We Drink the Poison to Watch Them Die

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Romeo:
Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here’s to my love!
Drinks the poison
O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die
.- W. Shakespeare (Romeo and Juliet, Act V Scene III)

My friend, Janet, who is very much my spiritual advisor, originally said, “We drink the poison to watch them die,” to me quite a while ago while she was (as usual) poking me in the chest.

She was referring to the typical, “I’ll show them” approach to my life as an alcoholic and addict. Hers too. You know what I mean, right?

Wife: You shouldn’t eat those cookies.
Addict: (to himself): I’ll show you! I’ll go out and eat a whole box. Who cares if I’m a diabetic and obese? She’ll see whom she’s dealing with now! You bet she well. Oh, yes.

Doctor: You must realize that you have impaired liver function and that additional drinking could lead to cirrhosis and eventually death.
Alcoholic: (to herself): What does he know? I can still drink a little. Dr’s harumph!

Hazardous? Positively! Childish? Certainly! Stupid? Absolutely!

The urge to run into danger when warned of impending doom flies in the face of reason and human nature. What happened to the whole fight or flight response? Seemingly danger draws us to what may kill us as a moth to flame

Why do we gravitate toward the very things that will kill or ruin us when we warned off them?Why eat donuts at AA meetings after your Dr. says you are on the way to becoming diabetic? Why drink a bottle of Grey Goose when you’ve know you have an impaired liver? Why go to the casino when you’re broke?

Why?

Because I will show you, yes I will! I will take the poison to watch you die. Don’t tell me how to act or what to do, think, or say. It’s none of your business where I am or what I am doing, I’m a grown-up. Worry about your own self. Take your own inventory and leave me alone!

Fortunately, I have begun to see the error of my cut the nose off to spite my face attitude. I am 7.5 months sober which is the longest since even before I had a “problem,” going all the way back to Middle School (which we used to call Jr. High School). I stopped shopping at Amazon (except where it absolutely makes sense per my wife), I avoid eating donuts and cookies at meetings (still working on it) and I just don’t drink (even though my drinking never got the best of me, per se, and was the least of my myriad addictions).

Part of my success to date is simply smartening up and recognizing a bad idea before I act on it. Part of this acceptance – understanding that I need to accept criticisms of my actions when they are accurate and acting accordingly. The final part is understanding that I need to do the next right thing every day and that includes knowing that there are certain things I just can’t do safely any more. Not even once.

Peace out,
|M

Again? Yes, I’m Back Again

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Previous to my blog’s transition to its current format, every time I tried to save an entry, it would delete all my content. This was, to say the least, very frustrating. I asked my guru from InTheRooms.Com, Alex, to move the blog to a better back-end system.   Unfortunately, and beyond Alex’s control, it took a good while to get the blog transitioned to where it is now. I hope you like the new format. I picked it myself. If it doesn’t work, I’ll dump it. I am hoping to find the little “like” bar for the bottom so that you can all  give me mad props on Facebook and Twitter, etc. I would imagine that will come as I familiarize myself with the site (or pick the brain of said guru).

Oh, did I mention that the site also got hacked in the middle of all this? Probably not. I was surprised one day to check out the site to see if there were new comments only to find a weird pastiche of folders full of pr0n or something. I was too smart (shush) to click on anything. Rather, I sent an email to El Guru who fixed everything.

At any rate, yes, I am back again with stories to tell about my adventures in recovery. Much has happened and much will continue to happen. So keep it here and have no fear. We will be together as we go through our little journey of recovery together.

Peace out,
M

I’m Back

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What do I have to do to get me back?

Today in my home group, a man with many years of sobriety behind him (i.e. a few 24 hours as they say) spoke about that very question he asked himself and others when he decided to join the land of the living. It’s funny that he mentioned this because my wife once told me that she wanted the old Jeff back. At the time, I told her that perhaps the old Jeff didn’t exist any longer; at that time, I thought that it might be true.

I know now that I was mistaken because I am back, or at least I am getting back to the way I used to be. You see, there was a time when I didn’t isolate myself in the dark of my office or take to my bed for the weekend. Once, I was up for doing lots of different things. Then, for a very long time I wasn’t available to my family, my friends, my work, my life, my world; I wasn’t even available to me.

There was something else living in my skin, driving my car, spending my money, barking at people for no reason, failing to do my work at work, and shooting the finger at drivers all around me. That wasn’t me or at least it isn’t a me I know any longer. That me is gone forever.

Perhaps.
I know what I have to do to keep the old phony me away and allow the old real me to stay here with me, in me. The recipe that works for me? Go to meetings, pick up the phone, ask for help, and don’t drink no matter what.
 
Peace out,
M